Julian Bashir's Personal Logs

The minute he walked through the door I knew he was mine. It wasn't just that there were limitations on how many Vulcans there were onboard who could have brought him into being; it was the feeling of knowing one's children. It was the same way I was sure Elizabeth was mine as well, the same way I knew that Trip was a part of both of them without really having to be told. It was instinct.

I had little time with Lorian. Understandably, he preferred his father's company and I was not willing to come between them when he so desperately needed to make up for all of the time that he was denied in his youth. It wasn't outwardly obvious, but I know Trip and the values he holds, know what values he would have passed on to his children, so I can assume that ... whatever happened was as hard on Lorian as it would have been on me. Perhaps more so, in a uniquely father-son way.

While we never knew Lorian, he had known us. He had memories of things that we had never done together, knew an entire lifetime of events that had never happened, and was warmed by thoughts and recollections that would be meaningless to Trip or myself. I knew I could be no comfort to him, perhaps I even felt the tension that had come between him and his physical mother waiting onboard the duplicate Enterprise. Still, when I heard his final words to us, I realized I had taken too much of this for granted.

"Tell my parents that I'll see them soon."

He knew I could hear him. He was saying goodbye. There was no logic in assuming that his existence would continue once we changed the timeline that had created him. Yet /I/ did. I allowed myself to believe those words and spent hours anticipating his return, feeling somehow that I could do then what I should have done at least once while he was with me; tell him I was proud of him. Worrying over what words he did or did not hear from me -a woman that he technically did not know beyond the course of several days- wasn't logical. Lorian already had a parent; she lived with him on his Enterprise, the ship he commanded. I can't explain why it was in that final, distant moment with him, in the heat of battle, that I should feel the overwhelming urge to reply as that parent, to call out some comfort or praise that would be the last thing he would hear. Perhaps that too was a mother's instinct.

The minute I walked through to the bridge, I knew I would never see my son again, knew I had lost the chance to tell him what I needed him to hear, what he should have heard from me many times in the previous days. While all I could see or hear was Degra on the viewer where Lorian should have been, Degra telling Archer, "Captain, you're early." ...all I could think was that I was too late.

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Miracle dog! You are a miracle dog! That’s what Jon said to me as he cradled me in his arms and carried me back to my quarters. Trip asked me if I liked being a fish. Fish! I would like a fish. But being a fish? Huh? But I am getting ahead of myself.

It all started when Jon and some other friends took me to a park. I was running around, chasing the man called Trip, and having a good time. When we got back to our quarters there was some commotion about me urinating on sacred trees. That’s a lie! I did not urinate on any trees. I marked some trees. Left my story behind, and, if you must know, I was not the first to do so. Jonathan was incensed! Then I started feeling sick. Really sick. Jon took me to see Dr. Phlox, but I really don’t remember much that went on in sickbay until Jon came to take me back to my quarters. And that is when he said I was a Miracle Dog and that Phlox was a miracle worker.

To make me feel better, Jon dressed up in a hilarious costume and painted his face and chest. Then he did a little dance right there in our cabin. Oh, I howled! I tell ya, I was kicking my leg. He must have been pretty happy with it, too, because he said he was going to do it for those people down at the sacred tree park. Isn’t he a nice guy?

It's less than two weeks until Christmas...and I'm spending it in paradise. No, ( :: chuckles ::) I really am!

I'm in Hawaii, you see, with my wife and my crewmates. Sulu's here too, with Manda and some of his crew. It feels like a big, family gathering. And after so many traumatic adventures of late, we deserve it, all of us.

It's fitting that we come here now, with T'Ani preparing to have our child--although that's still a few months away--since this is where we spent our honeymoon furlough. Although I have a thick skin and don't mind cold, sun and sand are very nice, also. :) Anyway, I'm sorry to have dropped out of sight. I've just been enjoying the miracle of having my wife back safely and our friends around us.

Tomorrow, T'Ani wants me to take her flying again. It's very different piloting an atmospheric passenger plane rather than a space faring starship--but you get used to it. It actually reminds me of the old, fuel burning training shuttles from my military school days--noisy, smelly and bumpy. But my sweet girl never seems to mind.

We've all been spending our days lazing in the sun, touring the islands, Manda, Gayle, Crxlx and T'Ani have been shopping--we have so many credits saved from our long duty tours, they've hardly put a dent in them!--and at night we sit at the firepit on the beach eating, drinking and laughing until it's time to stumble away to our bungalows. My exec, Nigel, and our communications chief, Crxlx, are finally learning to be a couple--as if half the ship didn't already know they were six months ago--and speaking of miracles I suppose that's another!

And don't tell T...but I'm having a koa wood bassinet made for the baby for Christmas. Under the canopy will be a small box with a sapphire and white gold pendant shaped like a seahorse. (T'Ani's been fascinated with them since she first came to Hawaii.) I know she's going to love it.

I can't think of a better place to celebrate both Christmas and the miracle of our child.

Life is very good right now.

Choose one - or all! - of these words/phrases and tell us what meaning they have for you...

MIRACLE

PRIORITY

KNOW YOUR WEAKNESS


Or... write something based on this quote:

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!

-- Gail Sheehy

As I have logged in my personal entry, it had already been a very long morning before I had entered the mess. There was a large gathering of Sato and her various followers, all being quite loud even before I crossed the threshold. I knew they had been talking about me, but they wanted to be sure I knew, so they began to grow more rowdy, forcing out laughter that anyone could tell wasn't at all genuine. Sato made a comment about how all Vulcans acted as if they had come from convents, with no interest in the physical desires at all.

Resigned to the fact that it was going to be this kind of morning all day long, I got some soup and went to a table on my own, pretending to ignore the comments about my physical relationships with others. Didn't she know Tucker didn't care about anyone? Yet she always insisted on sharing /my/ faults as the reason he chose her over me. I think everyone but Tucker was aware that she was his preferred evening company.

But everyone also knew that he /did/ have a history with me... And (as far as they knew) that he was the /only/ one on board that had a history with me.

Fed up with the annoyance, I rose, picked up a bowl of freshly cut grapefruit from the cooling unit and returned to my seat, dropping the pieces into the soup. The irritating combination of tastes was well worth the silence that followed. Sato turned and tried to make a joke out of my ignorance in human eating customs. My answer was simple as I finished all of the soup then rose and left the room: "No, I can't explain it. I simply had a sudden, uncontrollable, craving to eat the two together. Strange, I have never had such cravings until recently, but... you must understand the feeling yourself, I'm sure."

Needless to say, I left the mess in a much better mood than when I entered.